7. A simple practice to radically improve mood, relationships and focus: 3HTs!
The Rewired for Good podcast | Episode 7 | 12 November 2024
Notes
Ever have one of those days where everything seems to go wrong, and finding a silver lining feels impossible? You’re not alone. In this episode of Rewired for Good, we’re diving into a transformative simple practice that can help you shift your perspective, elevate your mood, and strengthen your connections with others. A powerful exercise to release your frustrations, create social connections and rewire your brain for the better, long-term.
In this episode you learn:
- how this practice came to be and was slowly adopted by many humanitarian colleagues and friends
- how to make it happen for you and your entourage
- why it works and the 3 rules to make sure it unleashes all the benefits
- the 4 strategic byproducts of doing this regularly, even daily.
Whether you're a humanitarian in high-hardship environments or just facing your average load of tough circumstances and looking to build stronger connections with the people around you, tune in.
Transcript
Hello, hello aid workers. How is life treating you in these insane, insane, unbelievable times? I know the past week has activated some anxieties. And if that's you, I want you to know you're not alone. People are feeling it left and right. It's okay. That's not despair. I've got your back. We can handle this.
Today's episode is for those days when you can't find a single silver lighting. It's just not there. Look around.
And you just want to complain the people, the projects, the food, the temperatures, the diarrhea, the office, that other office, the UN agency, that NGO. It's like everywhere you look is...
I remember one day in one of my higher hardship duty stations, it was late and hot and I had had a crappy day. Our office had caught fire earlier that week and we were office-less having to squat some other agency space. I hadn't been there long. I felt severely unqualified. Things back home were stressing me out. I don't know, it was just like not my day.
And I was sharing a tent with five other people and like two people started having sex in the tent cubicle next to mine. And it just kept shaking my bed. And I could hear like very quiet moaning and just... like other sounds and I was so grossed out and I just lost it. I got down on the floor on the tarp on the ground, fetal position, and I just started crying like a baby, this total absurd moment of distress. And after a while I snapped out of it. I got on my e-book reader and I frantically started looking for a book that could help me feel less like total crap.
I found The Happiness Advantage, which is a book that I highly recommend. And I can't remember in which chapter, but there was this one sentence in that book. There was this suggestion that is pretty self-evident, of course, to make a conscious effort to focus on some of the positives in life when things seem to be going horribly wrong. And of course it is self-evident. Of course, everybody knows that's what you're supposed to do, but in the moment, that's not what you're thinking.
And I started thinking about how lucky I was to have internet and a technology that allowed me to download a book in minutes in the middle of the Sahel. I thought of how awesome it was that I had gotten that job because I really wanted that job. It was honestly a privilege to have it. And then I also thought of the displaced people that were staying in tents in the middle of this rainy season that we were going through. And it really sobered me up if you will, on my own little creature comforts that I was missing.
And I instantly felt calmer and clearer. And I was like, holy crap, it can be that easy to step out of total desperation. And I stopped hyperventilating and I was actually able to sleep.
The next day, we're in the room where the meals are served in the humanitarian hub and literally every single one of the people around the table had had a terrible day. Everyone had something that had gone wrong, that fell through, that sucked, that hurt. Some humiliation, some irritation, some conflict, bummers all around. And me too, you know, I was telling the story of my night with my delightful, happy neighbours. And how grossed out I was. And it was like this festival of complaining.
And all of a sudden I remembered the very simple suggestion from the book. And I, I remember saying out loud something like, all right, now let's all name three happy things each. And that my friends is how the legendary practice of Three Happy Things was born for my little posse. Initially, they weren't enchanted with the idea, I'm not going to lie, but it caught on.
And for over a year, every time that we gathered or that I would notice us in a funky mood, I'd say, all right, let's, let's do three happy things. And, and most people humoured me and it paid off. It changed so many things for me, for my colleagues, for my friends, and for, well, you know, the people who were my family at the time and who are still most of them, very good friends.
Don't roll your eyes, please. This isn't as corny as it sounds.
I'll tell you exactly how it works and I'll tell you exactly why it works. I recommend this as an evening practice before or after dinner, right before going to sleep. It's an awesome wrap up for most days honestly.
You can do this in a group, which is you guessed it, my favorite way of doing it. I'll tell you why in detail. You can also do this with just one other person. You can do this on your own. If you don't feel like doing it with someone else, you can just do it with your own little self.
But really the preferred way and the one where you'll get the most benefits in this exercise is if you do it with other people. So here's how it works. First, you talk about whatever it is that sucks and that you're willing to share. You let it out. You get to be vague depending on who's present, but you get to say, I'm going through this. Everybody takes turns and we'll call this the cleansing phase.
Then once everyone has had a chance to generously talk about what's bothering them. That nasty email they got the reproach from their mom. The fact that the family cat is sick, that they clicked don't save when they really meant to click save. You get to ask questions and you get to commiserate and you get to share any similar crappy experience and you even get to make, you know, more or less gentle jokes.
Once all that's done, then we move to the three happy things and we take turns there too because one person's happy thing might actually inspire someone else's happy thing. And we get to have a conversation about those too. So that's step two, the positive focus phase.
That's it. That's all of it. And it's pure magic.
It's magic because number one, obviously you let out what's bothering you, which is healthier than keeping things in or ignoring them, pretending they're not there. There's countless studies that show that acknowledging negative emotions is half the battle to gaining control over them so that's very important.
But there's a risk when you complain too much or when you're focused on the negative stuff too much and that's that you rewire brain to create neural pathways that connect negative thoughts and reinforce negative outlooks and negative habits.
But with this exercise, because you don't stop there, and you redirect your brain to focus on things that you appreciate and are grateful for that feel-good, and you get to share it with others, which creates social connection and understanding, that whole pathway is the new rewiring: 1/ the acknowledgement, 2/ the social component that creates bonds and then 3/ the positive focus.
That's the new neural pathway that we're putting in your brain. Right.
So all of that releases in your brain:
- dopamine from the anticipation of whatever it is you're looking forward to
- serotonin from the empowering nature of the exercise
- and oxytocin from the social connection component, the compassion, the jokes, the questions that you get.
Those three are the main feel-good chemicals in your brain.
And of course, I didn't know it at the time, but when I was in my tent cubicle and I instantly, instantly felt better, it was because of the release of these neurotransmitters.
You move from feeling defeated or discouraged or knocked down, and you create a little oasis of gratitude and excitement and anticipation and connection and all kinds of other good stuff for yourself. So that's why it's so powerful.
And for me, there's also a third important positive byproduct to this exercise, but only if you do it with others. That's why I was saying that's my preference. We work in contexts, in particular non-family duty stations, where so many times we have to both be colleagues and friends at the same time, and even family, like taking care of each other when we're sick or when we're having a mental breakdown. So having social connection is super important.
And so often we see each other as functions. You're the cluster coordinator, you're the procurement / compliance / monitoring and evaluation officer pain-in-my-butt.
And it's so easy to miss the human that is behind the title. This super simple practice repositions, reframes, and allows us to hear about the little annoyances and frustrations that people go through in their days.
And I swear to you, I swear to you that it improves work relationships all around. I've seen it happen time and again because of the simple touch of humanity that is added to the interaction.
And the final strategic byproduct of the practice that I've noticed, at least in me, is that because I know that I have a dedicated space to pay attention to my frustration at the end of the day and to cleanse it out, I cut my rumination time in half, I swear it improves my productivity and improves my sleep. That's why I suggest that you do it in the evenings. And I no longer have as many follow-up conversations in my own little head on what I should have thought of saying and what I should have done instead and revisiting the whole upsetting scene over and over again. I finished the day with a full cycle of laundry. I don't necessarily carry as much weight with me the next day. And I notice a sharp difference in the amount of time I spend ruminating in the deployments or the missions where I do this from the missions where I don't.
Now there are a few rules that I want to cover:
The first one... of course, is "the first rule of the three happy things club is you do not talk about the three happy things club." All right. I lost it.
Back to the plot. Number one is if you have something you want to complain about, don't skip the complaining phase. Otherwise it becomes super annoying, toxic positivity BS, which is not helpful. We don't want to replace your frustration, your annoyance, your anger, your discouragement, your insecurity or whatever else you're going through. We want to let them be there. Otherwise, if you try to mute those negative feelings, they tend to come back with a vengeance.
Now of course, if your day was spectacular and you feel nothing but gratitude and excitement, we don't need you to force your brain to find something to be upset about. But if you do have something to be upset about, be upset.
It's very important to distinguish complaining from gossiping. We want to let frustration out. Expressing that frustration is like a purge. It lightens you up. It's hygiene. Like I said, some form of laundry for your brain, but gossiping creates divide. It creates tribalism and it often causes harm to others. So to the extent possible, I recommend always to avoid naming people if possible, being too specific, because we don't want to create problems and we don't want to add an additional level of poison in your environment. Gossip is nothing but. We just want to let your internal tension out, your low emotion out by acknowledging that it's there, which is very, very different. But more often than not, you can voice your internal challenges with a situation without pointing fingers directly at anyone.
And finally, third rule, don't skip the positive focus phase either. Cause then you miss out on the rewiring on the new habit that we want to create. So a lot of people, when I do this exercise, they're like, "Oh, I don't know. I have no idea what to say that is positive". It's like, okay, but try. You're not allowed to say you don't know, or you can't think of anything positive. Even if you have to resort to the basics, like "Hey, I had food to eat and I didn't get sick" or "hey, I'm relatively safe here" or "Hey, at least I'm getting paid for receiving nasty emails".
There's always something that you can redirect your brain to, to not miss the opportunity to find something positive to give airtime to.
You know, one of the beautiful things about our jobs is how closely they make us face that none of what we have is for granted and that what we have also deserves gratitude. So that's a great place to look and what you already have that you don't want to lose.
Now, what counts as a happy thing? You may ask. Haha. So glad you asked. That's an excellent question. Anything counts. Anything that brings you any form of joy, right? So the fact that there's only one week left before your R&R, or the fact that your brother sent you a video of your nephew, or that you still have some chocolate left in your suitcase, or that the curfew has been moved back by two hours, or that the beer is not completely warm, right? Anything.
Another question that I often get on this is what if no one wants to do it with me? You may be surrounded by party poopers who think this is not serious or respectable enough. Or people whose cultures just don't buy into the whole like social emotion, openness theory. My first approach, but I will grant you that not everyone has the predisposition to be that way is joyful pushiness. Like, come on, let's do it. What do you got to lose? You know, something like that.
And you can get started with the ones that show the least resistance. And eventually in my experience, more people tend to join in, maybe not the first night, but then they'll do it maybe on the third time that you do it. And those who never do it, then that's okay. They don't have to, not everyone has to participate and you know, there's no need to judge anybody.
And if really, really, really no one wants to do it with you, then you can make that practice a thing that you do with your best friend via text message or on a call with your partner or sister or your mom, whomever you like in this world, hey, you can even DM me if you want through the social media platforms. It doesn't have to be a colleague.
And of course, last resort, you can do it with yourself, just like I did it that night in my little miserable tent cubicle, right? You may miss out on the more social byproducts of the exercise, but you'll get all the other ones, the most important ones, which are that we get you to let out the crap that is hurting you. And that we get you rewired to find silver linings more systematically, more skillfully and faster until it basically becomes second nature. That retraining, that habit building of giving airtime to the good stuff that is happening in your life.
That's it. That's my Three Happy Things practice for you. Complain, but be careful not to gossip. Then name three things that bring you some form of joy, do it with others, take turns, use the opportunity to connect and interact, learn about other people's struggles, their cats, their past lives, their upcoming vacations, their side passions.
Don't underestimate the power of this little social and brain hack. The benefits of this are immediate, but they are also exponential and they are durable.
You can even implement a modified version of this in your unit meetings to count, for example, the wins of the team every week. You can create a version of this for your daily catch-ups with your long distance partner. You can do it for your occasional dreaded family reunions. I have tried it in dozens of settings and it always, always creates beautiful interactions.
Thank you for lending me your time and attention once again. I hope you found this valuable, share it with someone if you did so that they too can benefit. I'll be right here next week again.
Take care my friend.