18. Identity paradigm shifts | Rewrite your self-concept note 3/5
The Rewired for Good podcast | Episode 18 | 02 May 2025
Notes
we dive into four game-changing identity paradigm shifts that can totally transform the way you see yourself—and your role in the world as a humanitarian or development aid worker. We’re pulling from psychology, neuroscience, and coaching wisdom to shake up the usual ways you might think about who you are… and offer fresh, practical ways to reimagine it all.
Think of this as a self-concept makeover, with a purpose.
Here’s a sneak peek of what we cover:
Why it’s less about finding yourself and way more about creating yourself—on purpose, with future-you in mind (not just past-you).
Why who you want to be matters way more than what you want to have.
How to catch your fear-based self running the show—and how to let your braver, bolder self take the mic.
Why squeezing yourself into neat, limiting little identity boxes doesn’t work.
You’ll walk away with tools, real stories, and a fresh perspective that’s equal parts empowering and compassionate. This is your invitation to own who you are and who you’re becoming—one small (but mighty) decision at a time.
So grab your identity map from the last episode, and get ready to unlock new possibilities in your work, your relationships, and your growth.
>> Listen to previous episodes of the "Rewriting your self-concept note" series:
- Episode 16, 1/5: Identity in Rubble
- Episode 17 2/5: Map out your current identity
Plus: This week’s song recommendation for a boost of energy and inspiration: “Dear Me” by Eric Hutchinson.
Transcript
Hello, hello dear aid worker.
How are you coping with the requirements of life lately? I am alright. I have access to clean drinking water and food and health care and that's a good enough reason to be alright. Back to the basics people.
Gratitude for the simple privileges all around and gratitude of course for the opportunity to record this podcast you guys. You're sending me such such nice messages on the power of the work that you are doing through this and today I want to share with you some critical shifts, some paradigm shifts for the way that you may be approaching the very notion of who you are, your self-concept. This is really core stuff.
I cannot overstate the transformation that can come from examining things through different perspectives. This is episode 3 of the self-concept note series. Thank you for being here.
If you have landed on this episode without listening to the first and second one of the series, I highly highly recommend that you go back and that you listen to those two episodes first and do the little work that is suggested there because it will really make this third episode much more useful to you. But if you don't want to, that is very very fine too. Please feel very welcome here, stick around. You will definitely get a lot out of this either way. These times have been so so hard for us humanitarians.
The past few months have been such a roller coaster. What a freaking insane beginning of year, right? And it's so hard to know who we are, where we should go, what we should do, where we stand. But thanks to your feedback, I know that those of you who took the time to do the exercises that I proposed in the previous episode have gotten a lot of clarity and awareness out of it. And my friends, this is only the beginning. So let's get started.
If you followed along and you didn't just listen, but you actually implemented the work I was proposing, by now you have an understanding of why it matters so much to have such a strong sense of what your self concept is. And now you're fully motivated to go on this identity quest with me.
And two, again, if you did the work, you have a rough sketch of your current identity map, kind of an idea of your current beliefs about you, what's possible for you, how you got here, where you think you can go, what your limitations are, what makes you the best, what makes you the worst. And hopefully you asked yourself some really good follow-up questions, starting with why you believe the things you believe about you.
The questions that I asked may have seemed random to you, but in case you're curious, this identity definition framework that I've developed specifically for humanitarians is based on and brings together a lot of different concepts and theories and findings from research on behaviorism and cognitive psychology and sociology and recent scientific findings from the field of neuroscience and neuroplasticity. I've studied this and I continue to study it like my life depends on it. It's a light introduction to concepts like inner child work, attachment style theory, shadow work, prospect theory, somatic work, cognitive biases.
And everything that I share here and that I teach is based on the work of some of the most amazing great thinkers of our time, thinkers like Dan Sullivan and Daniel Kahneman and Charles Duhigg and Martha Beck, Eckhart Tolle, of course, and Byron Katie, to name only a few. I will always try to spare you the jargon and deliver to you the essence of what you need to know so that you can make informed decisions on a daily basis without having to weigh yourself down with a lot of theory and a lot of jargon.
The offer I have for you today is to please grab all of that identity journaling or mapping that we did in the previous episode, episode 17, and to keep it close because today we're going to look at it all again through four perspective switches or paradigm shifts.
Every one of the answers to your questions, every one of your data points that you put in there, you get to re-examine through these paradigm shifts. You don't have to adopt these paradigm shifts. There's no right or wrong. It's food for thought that you get to cook with, that you get to digest if you want it, and see if it helps you with what's keeping you stuck. If you pay attention, it may really, really completely shift the way that you've been looking at your life, past, present, and future, and open up really new pathways for your identity to be approached in a new way.
The first paradigm shift may be the most important one. It's finding your identity versus defining your identity.
How many times have you said or thought the sentence, I'm trying to find out who I am? People say it to me all the time in coaching sessions, and that's because most of us are raised to think that we're meant to be something, that we got to find what that is. It's a very spiritual approach in many ways, and the terminology across languages really supports that notion.
In English, we have to go "soul searching", or we'll say, "I don't know who I am", as if it's a piece of information that exists somewhere in the universe and that we need to acquire it. Or we will say, "I don't know who I'm supposed to be, what role I'm supposed to play". Kind of like you would look at a puzzle piece and be like, I don't know where this is supposed to fit within the wider picture, right? It's such an interesting way of looking at your self-concept.
So the assumption when we are in that mindset, and when we approach identity that way, finding it versus defining it, is that our identity is something that we need to search for, learn from, find, discover. It's very hands off. It's a very passive approach to identity.
It lacks a lot of intention, and it lacks invention. It lacks proactive decision making, and there's basically no active creation in the process, right?
So for me, I like to start with the cards that I've been dealt, right, and understand them and own them and explore them. And that's why we did our identity map in the previous episode.
We started by listing some parameters that are our starting point, right? Our nationality, our culture, our religion, our gender, our family roles, our society roles. That's an essential exploration that needs to happen.
But my invitation is don't stop there: Shift your thinking into fully believing that you get to define who you are, not just find it. That you have the capacity to invent and reinvent yourself endlessly if you want to, by making proactive decisions.
I have a client who cried easily at the office, pretty much daily. She had regularly been accused of being too emotional and had come to define herself as too emotional, because that's the evidence she found, right? She had found that identity for her and she chose to ditch that finding, embraced that idea that she gets to redefine herself as someone who knows how to manage her emotions. She has been, you guessed it, managing her emotions a lot better. And it's been really mind-blowing, because she used to come to every session in tears after a long workday where she had just been broken down by whatever had been said to her by her boss or her colleague, and it was weighing on her, because she didn't want her emotions to control her that way.
And you get to do the same with your identity, with whatever trait is causing you trouble as a leader, as a colleague, as a partner, as a friend, son, sister, lover. What you found in the mapping we did is for you to start making conscious decisions. It may take work, it may take a lot of trial and error, and you will get there faster if you work with a professional like a life coach, but you have got to start with a strong belief and knowledge that your identity is not merely something you find, but something that you proactively define.
And pro tip, that definition doesn't have to come from your past. It doesn't have to be based on past evidence. You can look at your future and define yourself from there. Make decisions and make them based on who you want to be, not based on who you have been. That's the first paradigm shift.
The second paradigm shift is being over having.
A lot of us operate on the principle of having first and being after, right?
So if I take a career example, I would like to have this leadership position, right? So once I have it, I'll get to be a leader.
Or if you look at love life, I want to have a partner, and once I have this partner, I'll get to be in love and be a partner.
Or we can take a third example, which has to do with body and health. I want to have a smoking hot body. And once I have it, I'll get to be comfortable with my own body.
When you look around, that makes a lot of sense. But it also makes everything harder and more likely to fail. And all the research, all the research points in this direction. Here's why. There's many, many reasons, but I'll just give you the main one: you cannot sustain any of the effort that is required in the long run to get what you want in a durable manner. If you're constantly reaching for something out of feeling insufficient, out of lack, out of scarcity, out of not enoughness (I just made up that word).
If you're constantly focusing on the gap, it's exhausting. And you will get exhausted in the process of doing what you need to do in order to have what you want to have. So you can finally be who you want to be.
You're making the ride to your desired outcome so much more difficult, tedious and uphill. And because of that, you're more likely to quit halfway through the process. You're more likely to do it slower than you would otherwise.
And you're also more likely to fall back down even if you do reach your desired outcome. That's why so many people regain the weight after they have lost it three months into a diet. That is why people will pick up smoking again or drinking again after they managed to quit for a few months. It's because they were focused on having what they wanted versus embodying what they wanted.
So what I want to offer you instead is a shift where you put being ahead of having. Let me break it down for you.
Be the leader before you have the leadership position. Because that way, when people see you and interact with you at work, they will see leadership, they will feel leadership, they will receive leadership, and you will naturally do the things that will get you the leadership position effortlessly. I've seen it time and again with my coaches who were applying to jobs that were higher. We worked on that identity first and then it was effortless to get the position.
If we take the second example, be a person who loves unconditionally the men and the women that you meet before you have the partner. Because that way, when you do meet anyone, you'll have the openness and the curiosity and the compassion to see them as they are. Not looking to change them, not constantly looking to spot red flags, and you will naturally do the things that create true connection effortlessly for a proper partnership to develop.
If we were to look at the third example on the smoking hot body, the invitation is for you to be comfortable with your body before you have the body of your dreams. That way, when you're in front of a delicious looking plate of cookies, or when it's time to get up at 5am to go work out, making the right decision for you will be easier because you will be carried by this body that you appreciate and that you see as a teammate in this journey, instead of seeing it as that enemy that just won't cooperate. Teaming up with your body by being comfortable with it and liking it first is the way to reach the body that you want durably and with the least amount of effort.
So being before having. That's the easy highway to your wanted identity. That is the second paradigm shift.
Third paradigm shift is fear-based versus triumph-based identity.
One of the tools that I offer the humanitarians who come to me for life coaching and who are facing challenges is that we basically always have two identities talking to each other. One that is based on fear for protection, and one that is based on triumph for desire. One that is stuck and afraid of failing, and one that is driven by the belief that triumph is possible. And we're constantly toggling between the two.
It was so funny this week, I was in a meeting with 30 plus people who really impressed me a lot. And for one whole hour, I watched my brain go back and forth between the two identities nonstop. I kid you not, we were discussing a problem that needed a solution.
And my triumph brain immediately was like, "I know, I can propose this". And immediately my fear-based identity was like, "shut up, shut up, you never know how to present your ideas clearly, they're gonna think you're stupid". And then the triumph identity comes back in full force and went, "what are you talking about? It's a brilliant idea. I can do this". And then fear-based me comes back "Wait, have you considered this obstacle and this limitation and how much effort it's going to require? And what if we fail? We'll look stupid. I tell you, keep it to yourself".
And this entire time, of course, the meeting is happening and people are exposing their views in a very composed manner. And I'm over here on my side of the screen having an internal debate on whether or not I should say what I want to say.
Now, don't judge me. You know, this has happened to you. Now, the good news is, my triumph identity did win.
The one that believed that my proposal was feasible, albeit, you know, kind of difficult, did win. I did open my mouth before the end of the meeting, even though I wasn't feeling very confident about it. And the proposal was actually extremely well-received and praised even. But it was just fascinating to watch the amount of effort that it took for me to get over myself.
Now, nothing went wrong. Everything actually functioned very perfectly. Remember, we have a brain that exists first and foremost to keep us alive. And how we stay alive is by avoiding danger and by consuming essential things like food and water, right? Now, imagine you're a cave person and you come out of your cave to look for food and water for survival. And lo and behold, there's a beautiful apple tree full of apples right outside your cave. How convenient.
But there's also a lion right outside your cave. It's sitting right there. So it would be really, really stupid for your survival for you to go out and pick apples when there's a lion standing right there and waiting to eat you, right?
So your primitive brain will always, always naturally prioritize your safety over your desire. It will always make your fears sound louder than your chance of success. And that's just something that you need to know. There's no need to let it govern your life. It's the initial setup. It's amazing. We wouldn't be here without it.
As dangers have become less imminent and less direct in our contemporary societies, there is a conscious freedom that you get to activate and exercise using the non-primitive part of your brain to allow the you that believes in triumph to win over the you that believes in fear. And I think it's essential that we look at our decisions and our identities and notice how many of them are coming from our fearful self versus our triumphant self. Are you living based on what you stand for and want? Or are you living based on running away from things and keeping yourself safe? Notice the effect of these reflexes and tendencies in our life.
So I'm talking to you if you're afraid of sharing your opinion because you might sound stupid. I'm talking to you if you're afraid of ending a broken relationship because you might end up alone. Or afraid of applying for that job that seems a little too big for you. Afraid of getting back on dating apps because you have been so heartbroken and disappointed before. Afraid of quitting the humanitarian sector and becoming an entrepreneur because what if you fail?
Which of those identities of yours, the triumph one or the fear one, will win the argument? There's no, no right or wrong answer. I cannot stress this enough because sometimes it really is better to stay in the cave. There's no need to put ourselves through trouble if it's not going to get us where we need to get. But make sure that you decide consciously and, if you want, courageously.
The fourth and final paradigm shift I want to offer today is boxes versus spectrums.
This paradigm shift is for the parts of you that you want to drop and grow out of because you see that they are limiting you and are keeping your life smaller than you want it to be. So much of the psychology and coaching frameworks that I find out there are extremely limiting in that they present concepts in the form of little boxes that you get to fit in.
And I get so angry when I see like, you know, those little quizzes online that tell you who you are. Like, find out your attachment style. Are you an anxious attachment person or are you an avoidant? Are you an introvert or are you an extrovert? Are you a control freak or are you easygoing? Are you emotionally mature or emotionally immature?
I find this so unhelpful, actually harmful, because this way of thinking basically takes some of your behaviors and turns them into full blown identities. And once you've been convinced that you fit in one of those tiny little boxes, you start adhering to that identity and it becomes very hard for you to step out of it, grasp your full power, your full decision making room and the full complexity of your being and embrace it with all its contradictions and beautiful dualities.
find it much more helpful to visualize spectrums instead of boxes and to place not you, but your behaviors on those spectrums.
You are infinitely wide. You are infinitely complex. Your individual daily behaviors, however, are not. Place them on the introvert, extrovert spectrum. Place your reactions on the attachment style spectrum. You'll get to notice recurrence. You'll get to notice tendencies. You'll get to notice what situations and what emotional states trigger you to be acting closer to one end of the spectrum or the other. But you won't get to do that if you see yourself as locked up in a tight, reductive little identity box.
Some days I'm social and I can't wait to be surrounded by people. Some days I want everyone to leave me the F alone. Why? I don't know what triggers one or the other. Let's investigate that. Some people I love, I really get anxious when they don't answer my messages in a timely fashion. Some others that I also love very much, they can take a month to answer me and I'm perfectly fine with it. Why? Why do I find myself on one end of the spectrum in this situation and on the other end of the spectrum in this other situation? What trauma response, what fundamental need is all of this triggering?
That is to me a much more interesting approach than all those little identity boxes were being sold as facts and that can keep us stuck in endless unwanted loops.
You have the capacity to be everything at the same time. You are everything at the same time. Your behaviors and reactions depend on what kind of week you had, what your mother said to you that morning, is it raining, who's standing in front of you right now, how badly your hormones are messing with you this week, and a gazillion other factors. Your behavior is a decision that you get to remake every time.
Keep a tight grip on how that report gets done if you feel comfortable that way. That doesn't make you a control freak.
Avoid this relationship today for whatever reason suits you. You're not an avoidant for it.
Skip office happy hour this afternoon and read a book instead if you feel like it. That doesn't make you an introvert.
And it works for every identity you no longer want to carry with you. Bad public speaker, procrastinator, perfectionist, selfish, overeater, over drinker, lazy, non-committal, you name it.
As long as you like your reasons for your behaviors, you get to be you with all of your complexity and you don't have to apologize for it. And if you don't like your reasons and would like to start changing behaviors and tendencies, great news, you're not stuck in a box. With awareness and a little bit of determination, you can change on that spectrum durably and consistently one reaction, one behavior at a time while you remain your beautiful, complex, non-reduced self.
All right, those are the four identity paradigm shifts or new perspectives that I wanted to share with you today.
The first one was to move from finding your identity to defining and redefining your identity. In other words, don't just go soul-searching, create and invent yourself as well. And you don't have to make it based on your past. You get to do it from a future perspective.
The second shift was being over having, where you embody and become what you want before you get what you want. This will basically align yourself with the things that you need to do and therefore it will make your efforts and the journey to your goals and desires a lot less challenging day after day, which will of course ensure you reach your goals more reliably and durably.
The third invitation was to notice how you toggle between your fear-based self and your triumph-based self and to notice how those two identities influence your decisions and are kind of responsible for the life you're living. So how often does your triumph-based self win over your fear-based self? That's the question of the century.
And fourth one that I feel very passionately about is ditch the reductive boxes and swap them for wide spectrums that allow you to embrace your complexity and notice how your behaviors and your tendency fit on spectrums instead of putting you in tight boxes. This is so so key if you want to change anything in your life.
I hope you found this food for thought helpful as you continue to do this work to rewrite your self-concept note. There's really no overstating how these internal reflections can transform your entire life for the better at work, increase the positive impact that we have on the world, improve our relationships, achieve what we want, be at peace with ourselves first and foremost.
None of this is easy work but it is the most rewarding thing you can do for yourself, for the people around you and for this humanitarian sector that is in dire need of principled beautiful souls that are brave enough to fight for the right thing even when it's hard and it all starts with knowing precisely who you are, who you want to be and what you're made of.
The very fact that you listened to this today and paid attention is huge and honestly you can be so impressed with yourself just for that. I'm really extremely grateful for your trust and for your time and for your attention. All very very limited resources I know.
And I want to finish by recommending a song for you this week. If you need a little pick-me-up, Dear Me by Eric Hutchinson. Listen to it in the shower while you drink your coffee, as you commute to work. It never fails me.
Have the best week you can have despite the challenges my friend.
I'll be back soon, right where we left it.